Shrek x La Squadra 3: Shrek the Turd - Chapter 8: Finding Shrek

It had been months since Melone had set eyes on Shrek. In those few months, he had almost forgotten about him until an ogre woman came by the headquarters, asking if they had seen her ex-husband, Shrek. Risotto answered for them and said no, and she left, disappointed.
That night, Melone had a dream where he was in a castle and pregnant. Shrek was there, and he kept checking to see if he was alright, putting his hands on his belly each time he asked. With his tender touch and kiss, it felt like they had known each other longer.
But that was a week ago. Melone didn't dream about Shrek until now. He was in a room with him, sitting down in a chair. Shrek gazed out the windows, viewing the town below them. Once Melone got up, the chair squeaked, causing Shrek to turn his head and smile at his beloved. He smiled back. The ogre got closed and embraced him for a few seconds.
"I love you," he said.
Although Melone knew this was a dream, he indulged in it. He brought his hands out, letting the ogre hold on to them. His hands were warm, and Melone brought his lips closer to his, ready to kiss.
Then Ghiaccio and Formaggio awoke him right when their lips were about to connect.
"Hey," Ghaccio said, standing near his bed. He had his arms crossed, and Formaggio stood next to him. "Risotto asked me to check on you. The boss wants somebody assassinated, and we need you."
"Is that why you broke into my home?" Melone questioned.
"You're usually up by now, and you haven't answered my calls. I had to get Formaggio to open the door for me."
"Yep, it wasn't hard. I shrink and open the door from the other side," Formaggio explained. "Since you just woke up, you should eat."
Melone got out of bed, revealing his bony half-naked body. He and Ghiaccio got out of the room and into the kitchen. There, Melone took a slice of bread, some jelly, and a knife. He placed his food down on the table, and Ghiaccio sat in front of him.
"Just bread and jelly?" Ghiaccio questioned.
Melone struggled to open the jar. "I thought we were in a rush."
"No, take your time." Ghiaccio opened the jar for him.
"Thanks. Hmm, I could eat something more filling, but I don't feel like cooking."
"You don't feel like cooking?" Ghiaccio slammed his fists on the table, making Melone wonder why. Why does he want to stall him? He would've asked Formaggio what was happening, but he wasn't in the kitchen with them. "Do you want me to make something?"
Right before Melone could ask where the other was, Formaggio entered the kitchen.
"What were you doing in my room?" Melone demanded.
"Um." He paused, thinking of an excuse. "Well, I have never been in your room before."
"Well—" Melone tried to remember. It's true; Formaggio has never been in his room, but Melone has been in his. "You're right. Only Ghiaccio, Risotto, and Prosciutto have gone into my room."
"Oh, what were they doing in your room?" Formaggio inquired with a smile.
Ghiaccio's face turned red. "Sh-shut up! You know!"
"Do I, though?"
Melone smiled. "I give Ghiaccio a prostate examination on certain days. There are no signs of cancer so far. That reminds me, I need to check on your prostate tomorrow night."
Ghiaccio covered his bright red face.
Formaggio laughed for a minute, then stopped, thinking he was serious. "Wait, really?"
Melone chuckled. "No."
"Alright!" Ghiaccio stood up. "Let's go!"
"Sure, let me brush my teeth first." He stood from his seat, ready to head to the bathroom.
Ghiaccio grabbed Melone's hands. "No time. Just put something on before we leave."
"I thought you said I could take my time."
"I did, but you can't be malnourished."
"Could I at least use mouthwash?"
"Fine. Go! Get dressed while you're at it."
Melone pushed Ghiaccio's hand away, went into his room, and noticed the bed wasn't the only thing messy in his room. Someone's been rummaging. It was Formaggio, but what was it?
"Formaggio," he called. "Where you looking for something."
He rushed in. "Huh? Oh? Uh, well, I have never been in your room, so I thought you'd have some secrets."
"Secrets? Did you think you would find something in my sex toys and vials of bodily fluids?" He raised a brow, not believing.
"Ugh! Can we go now?" Ghiaccio complained.
They were hiding something, but Melone didn't know what. "Fine, let's go— After I brush my teeth and change!"
"Oh my god! Hurry it up already!"
-
When Melone went inside the headquarters, everybody—except Risotto, who wasn't present—sat down, quiet, pale, and sweaty. Something made them nervous. Curses, why did he overslept?
Formaggio sat next to Illuso, and Ghiaccio sat down where he usually sits. Melone sat next to him.
Risotto barged into the room and sat in his seat. "This isn't easy. I've delayed the boss long enough, but he's serious about this."
Ghiaccio squeezed his upper thighs, containing his anger.
"What's going on?" Melone whispered.
"Quiet!" he whispered back.
"Melone," Risotto said, grabbing his attention. "I'm glad you woke up later than usual. I wasn't sure how you would handle it."
"Handle what?"
"Our target is someone close to us."
His heart sank. "Shrek. It's because of that woman, right? Well, we can't kill him! He's done so much for us!"
"Agreed. We can't, but we'll be traitors if we don't."
"But how could the boss agree to this? I had a video on him enjoying himself that one day you and Shrek—"
"Hold on. You recorded us?"
"Sorry, I probably should've asked for your permission. I thought you wouldn't mind."
"I don't mind, but make sure that it stays private. Honestly, I was sure how you'd react because of how coldly Shrek was towards you those few months ago. That's why I asked Formaggio to steal that vial of Shrek's cum."
Melone giggled nervously. "How'd you know I have that?"
"I know you. Anyways, Illuso, you know what to do."
Illuso revealed his stand and sent Pesci to the mirror world.
"Oh, thank fuck! Pesci's been a douchebag," complained Prosciutto. "My memories are slowly coming back to me. I know we haven't been nice to Shrek and vice versa, but he doesn't deserve to die after all he's done for us."
"This is all that stupid wizard's fault!" yelled Ghiaccio. "His spell is why Melone got pregnant and how Illuso and Formaggio switched bodies."
"Hmm, true," Ristto said. "Well, I'm not sure how we can unfuck ourselves. Let's find Shrek before the boss sends someone else."
"Wait, are we letting him live or die?" Melone questioned.
"We'll see."
-
Risotto, Ghiaccio, and Melone traveled together to find Shrek. Their search for him led them to somewhere in Mürren, Switzerland. If Melone remembered correctly, the boss vacationed there during the spring. He had overheard this conversation when Risotto was on the phone with the boss.
Junior led them to a swamp. It was like the one in Italy. Melone wondered if Shrek had something magical to turn the land into a swampland. Since they found him, Melone dismissed Junior.
"Let me go in first," Risotto said before turning invisible.
"Want us to stand back a bit?" Melone questioned.
"Yeah, I'm calling you on my phone. Back away."
The two retreated, hiding behind a rotten log. Risotto called, and Melone answered his phone. They could hear Risotto opening the squeaky door.
"Hello?" Shrek called out.
It was silent.
"Oh, I think I know what's going on," the ogre continued. "Aha! Risotto, I should've known."
Melone assumed Shrek knew about Risotto's stand ability.
"Silence isn't going to help you. Ha, see? I revealed you."
"How?" Risotto questioned.
"My stand ability." The two assassins, still on the phone, heard silverware clinking. "Now, why are you here? Did my wife decide she had enough of me? Oh, wait! Before we continue, I want Melone here. You couldn't have found me without him."
Risotto sighed. "You heard him, Melone."
Melone handed the phone to Ghiaccio and approached Shrek's home, nervous. Would Shrek get angry at him? His quaking arms reached for the doorknob, turning it to open the door. Shrek sat at his dinner table and looked gloomy.
"I just wanted a happy life for everyone," Shrek said as he watched him enter.
"Merlin is a fraud. That's what Ghiaccio thinks," Melone said.
"Yeah, damn shitty ass wizard who can't make a blizzard."
"Before anyone continues," Risotto interrupted, "Shrek, you know why we are here, right?"
"My wife—oops, sorry, I mean my ex-wife—wants me dead. Isn't that right?" Shrek guessed, looking at Risotto.
"The boss ordered us to, but your ex-wife might've gone to him. So yeah, it's likely," Risotto confirmed.
"Well, are you two going to kill me? Do you think you have the guts?"
"We aren't killing you, but can you find that damn wizard?"
"Can Melone still track people?"
Melone smiled. "You bet! So, do you have any of Merlin's bodily fluids?"
"Yeah, I have a cum sample stashed somewhere," Shrek answered. He got out of his chair and proceeded to his room.
"I'll check on Ghiaccio," Risotto said, leaving.
Melone went into his room while Shrek searched for the sample. It was small and cozy, but he noticed the bed was meant for one.
"Your bed is meant for one person now," Melone commented. "You're not thinking of being with somebody else?" He tried to get closer to him, hoping for a spark of romance.
Shrek moved away, avoiding his touch. "Romance isn't for me anymore."
Melone tried to hug him, but the ogre shoved him away. "Come on. Don't be like that. You can find love again."
"Melone, please don't force me into a relationship. It's not what I want, and you don't want to be with me. I had enough of Fiona and Rohan." His voice got aggressive. "I don't want more bad memories. Now, could you please back off?"
"I—" His lips quivered, and a teardrop almost escaped his eyes. "But—"
"Don't! You deserve better than me. Don't worry. Once we find Merlin, everything will be okay."
"Could I at least get a kiss?"
"Fine."
Shrek leaned in for a kiss, and Melone pecked him on the lips, tasting onion, Shrek's favorite food.
"Right, where was I?" He returned to his search, checking under the bed. "Found it. So, are we up for another adventure?"