Chapter 3: I'm Fucking with the Man in the Mirror

 

“Hmm,” Puss in Boots commented. “That sounds like something that happened to me a few years ago, but I thought that only happened to animals. I can’t remember what he said. Bah! This is why I don’t trust wizards.” He took a sip of his glass of milk.

The brunet man with six pigtails sighed. “You never knew the name of the original body owner, if that’s what you call it. His name is Illuso.” He took a sip from the tankard and sighed. “You managed to get back in your body. How did you do it?”

“Merlin realized the mistake and returned to us. Of course, something still went wrong, but everything is all fixed.”

“But that was all fixed shortly, correct?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure why Merlin hasn’t done anything about your problem yet.”

Formaggio chugged the last of his ale and then wiped his mouth. “It’s getting late. I should head home. You’re a real friend, Puss.”

“Any time,” he said.

Formaggio walked back to the castle. The sun was setting. He sighed, looking at the pretty red sky, watching the clouds fly past. Five months of doing nothing, he thought. On the path to the castle, he spotted Pesci. He smiled and waved at him. The green-haired man waved at him back.

“Hey, you doing anything?” Formaggio asked.

“Yeah,” Pesci replied.

“Need help?”

“Sorry, but you’d get in the way. I don’t think we’d make a good team.”

Formaggio walked away quickly and rolled his eyes, sucking his teeth.

Once he was at the castle, he went to his room, which was Shrek’s ex-wife’s room. He shared the room with Illuso, but his roommate was away on some mission and won’t be back within a couple of days. How long ago was that?

Formaggio took off his pants, then the panties, and then put his pants back on. He never understood why Illuso would wear something so itchy. Exhausted, he laid on the bed, turned on the magic mirror with a remote, and flipped through the channels. He’d get a snack, but then he would have to put his panties back on. Illuso yelled at him to put something underneath whenever he was going outside their room. Ever since they body swapped, he’d been picky about what Formaggio does to his body. He had to exercise three times a week, shower more than once a week, shave, eat healthily, sleep early, and everything Formaggio hated. He sighed and turned off the mirror, staring at his reflection.

What can I do while I’m in your body?

And then he smiled. Illuso never said if he was allowed to masturbate or not. Formaggio sat up straight, spreading his legs wide open in front of the mirror. The bulge between his legs was visible. He grabbed it, touching it through the fabric of his pants. It felt so wrong, but who knows what Illuso has done to his body. He untied one of his pigtails.

God, Illuso, you’re so pretty. His other hand hovered over his midriff. I think you should unbutton that vest. He unbuttoned himself and took his belt off as well. Don’t be shy, take off those pants as well. Show me your cock. In a teasing manner, he slowly pulled his pants down to his knees, letting his cock spring up. He was jealous of its size. Illuso’s was much bigger than his. Despite that, Formaggio began stroking himself. Pull it all the way down, sweetie. The pants fell off. Using his legs, he tossed them aside somewhere. Legs wide open, he continued stroking himself, his other hand gently squeezing his balls. He let out a soft moan and then giggled. If Illuso saw what he was doing to his body, he’d be mad.

How about some head?

Formaggio blushed. Is Illuso’s body even flexible? First, he took off all his clothes. Put some lipstick on. It’ll look erotic. He searched the nightstand, found some red lipstick, and applied it on. Then, he threw his legs over his head while on the bed and still looking at the mirror. His arms held his legs. How obscene. Thank god for those flexibility workouts. He stuck his tongue out to taste the precum. Good, he can reach. Then, he began slowly sucking himself, leaving red lipstick stains. Imagine if Illuso appeared. What would he say? Formaggio didn’t know, but he’d be furious. Still sucking, he sped up and used his hand to help. He was close.

And then Illuso stepped out of the mirror, face reddened from witnessing what was right in front of him.

“ Formaggio! ” he yelled.

Formaggio stopped sucking himself, but his mouth was open with his tongue out. Cum splattered all over his face and mouth.

“What are you doing?” Illuso yelled.

He uncurled himself and sat with a smile on his face. He swallowed.

“You taste sweet,” he said. “Want to lick some off?”

“I--” Illuso covered his face with his hands. “I want to hurt you so badly.”

Formaggio looked at his body. Cuts and scrapes covered his body. “Oh? You already did. What happened to my body?”

“I got into a fight with the evil queen. She’s dead, and I’m exhausted. And what do I see? You, doing things to my body. What else have you done? Have you made me sleep with everyone without my permission?”

Formaggio laid back on the bed. “No, babe, you know I wouldn’t do that. I’m just frustrated.”

Illuso took off all his clothes and got on top of Formaggio, licking off the cum. He laid beside him. “Same, but I never masturbated.”

“You know I don’t care,” he replied.

“I don’t care either. I didn’t think you would do that. I didn’t think it was possible at all.”

“Do you even watch porn?”

“No, I hate it. It’s unrealistic.”

“And those smutty stories you read are?”

“Shut up.”

It was quiet for a while.

“Hey, you want to do anal?” Formaggio asked.

“How about later? I’m tired,” Illuso replied. “How about some oral?”

“I’m tired of sucking.”

“All you do is suck. Get it? I said that because your stand is--”

“Illuso, please, shut the fuck up.”

They lied in bed. It was quiet until Shrek walked in.

“Hey, Formaggio, is Illuso-- Oh,” the ogre said. “Um, is this a good time?”

Illuso was annoyed, but Formaggio was glad that he was here.

“We aren’t doing anything,” Formaggio said, getting up from the bed, “but we were about to. Want to join us?”

“Sure, but--”

“Alright,” he interrupted. “I want to try something different.”

“Hey,” Illuso grabbed their attention. “So, you’re just going to have sex in my body?”

Formaggio was silent. “Can I?”

“Fine, but can I join?” he asked.

“Sure, I was hoping you’d join. Well, Shrek, get naked.”

Shrek took off his clothes, exposing his massive green shlong. It was hard.

“Formaggio,” Illuso said, “I don’t think your body can handle it.”

“Trust me,” he replied. “I can take it.”

Shrek chuckled. He knew he couldn’t. “I’ll get on fours. How about we spit roast?”

The ogre was on his hands and knees. Formaggio stood behind him while Illuso stood in front. Shrek was sweating. He wasn’t so kind to Illuso the first time they had sex. With his eyes, he looked up, making eye contact. He could’ve sworn he heard him snicker. Without warning, Illuso shoved his cock down Shrek’s throat. He gagged.

“Breathe through your nose,” Formaggio commented. “And, Illuso, calm down.”

And then Formaggio’s cock entered inside him, pulling in and out slowly. The pace went faster.

“Hey, Illuso, want to Eiffel Tower?” Formaggio asked.

“What?” Illuso said.

“You know, Eiffel Tower,” he repeated.

“What are you talking about?”

“The sexual position.”

“Never heard of it. Never done it. Explain.”

“Okay, we’re going to high-five each other.”

“Your body is too short,” Illuso said with a smile.

Formaggio shrunk himself. “Is that better? Satisfied?”

“Yes, I am.”

They high-fived, hands still together. The ogre continued to suck off Illuso while Formaggio thrust into him.

“Okay,” Illuso said, “what’s this Eiffel Tower thing?”

“We’re doing it right now,” Formaggio answered.

“This is… spit-roasting. I thought this was something new.”

Illuso’s cock was no longer in Shrek’s mouth. He laid on the bed, switching the channels on the magic mirror. Formaggio kept thrusting until he came inside the ogre.

“Hey,” Shrek decided to speak, “just so you guys know, Merlin is back, he’s ready to switch you guys back into your normal bodies.”

“What?” Formaggio said. “Why didn’t you say that before? Damn it! I miss my old body! I can’t stand this high-maintenance shit Illuso does!”

“Hey, you’ll be thanking me with all the baths I’ve been taking,” Illuso said.

The three of them put their clothes back on and left the room. Meanwhile, the magic mirror began to cry, traumatized by what he witnessed.