Chapter 1: Got to Start Somewhere

 

Shrek covered his face with his palms, unsure of what to do. There was no way any of this was possible. He breathed in heavily and exhaled. Rohan was pregnant and wanted to get married, and now Melone was pregnant.

“Damn it!” Shrek shouted.

“I don’t know what to do,” Melone said.

The ogre turned around to see the lilac-haired man crying. Other than him, the gang was silent. Shrek tried walking over to him, but the guy with red glasses glared at him, freezing him in place without having to use his stand.

“Shrek,” Ghiaccio said, “stay the hell away from Melone. You got that?”

“Ghia!” Melone shouted.

“This irresponsible manwhore got you pregnant!” he argued.

“How the hell was he supposed to know this would happen?”

Before Ghiaccio could open his mouth, an elderly man wearing blue robes and a matching colored pointy hat poofed out of nowhere. The elder adjusted his glasses.

“Shrek,” the old man called out, “there may have been a slight problem when I teleported you.”

“Too late,” Shrek replied. “I already got two people pregnant. I also know about my ex-wife.”

“Shit, well... I guess I’ll return home,” the wizard said.

“Hold it right there, Merlin!” Shrek grabbed his shoulder.

“Merlin, you will fix this! Abort these babies in Rohan and Melone.”

“I will… if they want me to,” Merlin replied.

“I’m keeping my child,” Melone responded.

“What? We barely get paid enough!” Ghiaccio started to argue with him again, causing Melone to sigh.

“Just wondering,” Risotto entered the conversation, “what about this Rohan guy?”

“I can summon him,” Merlin answered.

And just like that, with a flick of his wand, a man with green hair appeared out of thin air. There was a small bump in his stomach.

“Where am I?” Rohan panicked.

“Just wondering,” Formaggio said, “can you make it rain money?”

“No, plus that’s illegal. It’s the same as printing money,” the wizard answered.

“Damn it!”

“Wait!” Shrek intruded. “You can teleport people from different universes, but you can’t print money?”

“It’s magic. I don’t have to explain anything. I just cannot do it,” Merlin answered. “Unfortunately for you, Rohan, I also cannot magically give someone an abortion.”

According to Shrek’s face, he still didn’t understand.

“It’s alright,” Rohan spoke. “I think I want this baby.”

Oh boy, thought Shrek. “Alright, Merlin. I want you to open up a portal back to my swamp. I’m taking Rohan and Melone with me. I can’t stand it here. Having the mafia near you isn’t the best place to raise a child, no offense.”

“It's alright,” Risotto said. “But you can’t take Melone.”

“And why not?” Shrek said.

“You cannot take my teammates away from me.”

“Risotto, how much money do you all make?”

The capo stood in silence. “Fine, but we’re coming with him. We were going to betray our boss, but this might be better for us. Are we allowed to come?”

“I have enough room for three people to sleep. I guess you can come, but don’t expect me to make more room because I don’t,” Shrek explained.

“And since you slept with me first,” Rohan butted in, “we are going to get married, right?”

“Anything for you, love.”

The members of La Squadra couldn’t help but feel jealous, except for Sorbet and Gelato, who only needed each other.

“Before I can open a portal,” Merlin spoke, “they could work for King Arthur.”

Shrek laughed. “I doubt Arthur would hire assassins.”

“Except he will have no choice,” he explained. “I have been a court mage once. Sometimes politics isn’t always so peaceful. And Shrek, can I give you some advice?”

“Alright, out with it.”

“Your swamp is a terrible place to raise children. May I suggest moving in with Arthur?”

“What? Are you crazy? Does he even know about the divorce? He’ll have my head!”

“No,” Merlin assured him, “but you need to stop running from your problems. Look at what you’ve done. You’ve impregnated two men.”

“Shit, that just reminded me. How are Rohan and I going to get married?”

“I know just the person. But first, we have chatted enough already. Surely you all want to get as far, far away from here a possible. Well, is everyone ready?”

“Um, we still need our clothes,” Formaggio said. Oh, that’s right! Melone and Formaggio were still naked.

“Oh, I thought you two were just nudists. Don’t worry, I have this.” His hands flicked, and then the two suddenly had their clothes back on. “Alright, are we all ready to go?”

“Yes,” everyone replied.

And with the wave of his wand and the flick of his wrist, Merlin teleported everybody to the Far Far Away Castle. Sorbet carried Gelato; they both held each other tightly. Formaggio was bent forward, looking as if he was about to puke. Illuso fell on his ass. Pesci rubbed his eyes while Prosciutto and Risotto stood still, looking serious as always. Melone and Rohan vomited. Ghiaccio was fine except his glasses disappeared.

“Damn you, wizard!” shouted Ghiaccio. Shit!

The palace guards swarmed around them, halberds pointing towards them. A young man with a crown sitting atop his blond hair walked towards them.

“Shrek!” King Arthur said, opening his arms, expecting a hug. The ogre hugged him.

“What going on?” Pesci asked while still rubbing his eyes. “Did anyone see a white light? I thought I was going to die.”

“Oh boy, I just want to take a nap,” Illuso commented.

“What the hell is this?” Formaggio asked, staring into the white reflective marble floor. “No, impossible! Damn you, wizard!”

“What’s gotten into you?” the real Formaggio asked, turning to face him. “Oh, what the fuck?”

Merlin’s magic must have switched their bodies. Prosciutto facepalmed, and Risotto sighed.

“As a former court wizard,” Merlin began to speak, “I urge you to hear me out. You need assassins. Not every part of your plans can be solved peacefully.”

“Just so you know,” Rohan interrupted, “I’m not an assassin. These people are, though.”

The wizard cleared his throat. “As I was saying, surely your advisors have told you about your enemies and how they’re making a move as we speak. And for the marriage prob--”

“That’s enough!” Arthur interrupted. “I understand being a king isn’t easy, but I have this under control. And please, never speak to me about marriage ever again. You may leave.”

“But--”

“Hold on a minute,” Rohan said. “You said you have enemies. Perhaps I could help you with that. I suggest you dismiss your guards.”

“Guards, back to your stations,” Arthur commanded.

Once they were gone and Arthur completely vulnerable, he summoned his stand and turned his face into a book. The blond was unconscious while Rohan knelt and wrote something in him.

“And now everyone gets what they want.” Rohan turned to face them. “You’re welcome.”

Arthur got up from the floor. “There is something that requires people from a shady background.”

Everyone in La Squadra except for Risotto felt relieved. Their targets were usually people without stands. If they had to deal with spellcasters like Merlin, he wasn’t sure they could handle that. There was only so much stand users could do.